senior-year-list-to-do

2013 marks my senior year in high school. And as if a magic spell was cast on me, I feel like doing things I want to do that I had never did before high school ends. Thoughts starts to flood my brain so I end up making a list. Here's some:

1. I want to feel how it's like falling in love during high school.
This is weird, I know. I'm like have been single for like... the entire high school years - except for this year. I was the type of person who thought being in a relationship is bothersome for me to reach my goals. But, now, I want to have that experience in high school before I leave school years. I want that memory - whether it's bad or good. I want to be able to have a chat with my daughter and share stories with her of, "Back when I was in high school....."

2. Become a boy for one day and play ball with them in the middle of a road in the evening
I have this sudden urge when after practice, I saw a group of boys playing ball in the middle of the entrance of the school. They were all playing without actually getting to know each other that well. I want to have that kind of moment and connection with people. There are times when I'm  actually jealous of boys-not gonna argue about balls, period pains and stuff. How they can do whatever they want, dress however they want, say whatever they want and most people won't say a thing, girls still came running for them. It's different with being a girl. Every move, actions, words counts.

3. Achieve everything I can in a single year.
I'm an achiever-whore. I'm completely aware of that. I acknowledge it. With that fact, this one, I will surely complete it as flying colors as I can.

heart dies

Lately, I'm having frequent loss of feelings. As if my heart dies and I no longer have any feelings. I don't feel hate, love, happy, or sad. I just feel like walking on with my life and going through it until my time come. When a speech was held at school couple of days ago, and everyone started crying and hugging, I just sat there staring at a blank space, a drop of tears rolled down my cheek but I don't give it a damn. Everyone was hugging but I just sat there, staring at blank space, hugging back the two friend that came to me, knowing my sadness but might not notice my emptiness.

I read about it once. It's called depression. But I'm not sure it is, because there are times I do laugh and smile. Or maybe that's just all another act that I try to lie myself with. I don't know. Most probably, I already get to the point where I don't care what I feel anymore. I just go with the flow and try not to end my life before it should.