drumroll please

after haven't blogging for months, i finally found one not-so-still moment to update. So this is what i'm gonna say:

scratch those lists i posted. i wanna be me and that's it. eventhough i feel like i want it, and sometimes i do but in the end i realize that i don't - d'you get what i meant?

yeah, well, anyway, this post is just because i feel like i need to write something and here i did. so, baaaii

senior-year-list-to-do

2013 marks my senior year in high school. And as if a magic spell was cast on me, I feel like doing things I want to do that I had never did before high school ends. Thoughts starts to flood my brain so I end up making a list. Here's some:

1. I want to feel how it's like falling in love during high school.
This is weird, I know. I'm like have been single for like... the entire high school years - except for this year. I was the type of person who thought being in a relationship is bothersome for me to reach my goals. But, now, I want to have that experience in high school before I leave school years. I want that memory - whether it's bad or good. I want to be able to have a chat with my daughter and share stories with her of, "Back when I was in high school....."

2. Become a boy for one day and play ball with them in the middle of a road in the evening
I have this sudden urge when after practice, I saw a group of boys playing ball in the middle of the entrance of the school. They were all playing without actually getting to know each other that well. I want to have that kind of moment and connection with people. There are times when I'm  actually jealous of boys-not gonna argue about balls, period pains and stuff. How they can do whatever they want, dress however they want, say whatever they want and most people won't say a thing, girls still came running for them. It's different with being a girl. Every move, actions, words counts.

3. Achieve everything I can in a single year.
I'm an achiever-whore. I'm completely aware of that. I acknowledge it. With that fact, this one, I will surely complete it as flying colors as I can.

heart dies

Lately, I'm having frequent loss of feelings. As if my heart dies and I no longer have any feelings. I don't feel hate, love, happy, or sad. I just feel like walking on with my life and going through it until my time come. When a speech was held at school couple of days ago, and everyone started crying and hugging, I just sat there staring at a blank space, a drop of tears rolled down my cheek but I don't give it a damn. Everyone was hugging but I just sat there, staring at blank space, hugging back the two friend that came to me, knowing my sadness but might not notice my emptiness.

I read about it once. It's called depression. But I'm not sure it is, because there are times I do laugh and smile. Or maybe that's just all another act that I try to lie myself with. I don't know. Most probably, I already get to the point where I don't care what I feel anymore. I just go with the flow and try not to end my life before it should.

i don't need another catalyst to my curviness

Honestly, a few things happened last week that I wanted to blog - or rather, vent - about but I couldn't because after one thing happens another.

My band will be having a music camp and a concert night associating with it. The disappointing part is the concert is on the day that I need to went back to Kedah. I want to perform for that night sooo much. It's like a once in a lifetime experience. I couldn't say if there will be another one in the future. I could vent on this longer but the feeling is gone. I no longer feel mad or sad about it, just merely accepting the fact that I can't change fate.

Going on a happier topic, in a few days, my cousin is having his wedding reception with maroon as the theme. Since we were notified late, we decided to attend wearing brown. So that got crossed out of the shopping list. 

Next year, two of my cousins are getting married and one of them who is a she, will be having two different event with different theme. The first one is purple,and I tried to look one for that but I couldn't find anything that interest me so I'll just wear my sister's clothes that she doesn't want to wear. The second theme is pink which I got my hand on a fabulous light pink with gray embroidery baju kurung. I feel so happy getting my hand on a perfect outfit. The last one is gray themed, which I bought a patterned baju kurung and a little bit of green and red spots. I don't like dark colors so my objective is to find a gray outfit with vibrant colors like pink or purple or yellow or red or green. But the ones out there is always so monotones. I don't work with monotones. And that's the best I can get.

But I realized something during the search for the perfect outfit, I don't like modern baju kurung. Yes, it shows a lot of curves of someone but I already have a bold curve I don't need another catalyst of my curve-ness. The perfect one, the pink one is a kurung pahang and I immediately fell in love with that cut. Kurung pahang 4LYFE!

Uh-dicted

Following up a congratulatory post with a congratulatory post seems... too much for me - but Imma do it anyway.

When holiday started - well, before holiday started, it was around the time of the year where my curiosity and burning passion and spirit for watching animes and playing games is at its peak aka exam week. I hate to be honest to myself about this but I don't concentrate much whenever exam is around.

There were always things to do, idea to come up with, animes to watch, games to play, stories to write and the list goes on. To add to the lazyness, I was never the type to study early. I like to procrastinate. That's my game.

So aneyhwayh... when I was at that moment of the year, I had this intense urge to watch Naruto.

Yes that Naruto. Now don't judge. Hush it.

I started with the naruto when he was still a kid and that season was like 100+ episodes and most of 'em I've watched plus I don't like watching something I've watched - unless it's like awesomely magnificently bombastically worthy - so I'm like, "Fuck this. Let's skip 'em."

So, while my urge is still immensely strong, I started on naruto shippuden - the older, grown up, teen naruto. Since I've never watched it before, not even once, I was expecting enthusiastically for every episode to unravel. There were new characters and stories that made me even more addicted to it. 

And then without realising, I reached the 50th mark and then soon the 100th but later, I realised, there were about 200+ episodes and I'm like...

So I took a few weeks break. When holiday really starts and I was bored to death, that was when I regained my intense urge to finish the anime before this year ends. If it's not this year, then I won't be able to catch up with it at all next year. 

To be honest, whenever someone or anyone is at the current episode go, "Hey, have you watch the latest episode? You know when blablabla...." I feel like a noob, all left alone still catching at episode 60 something. 

sad-weeping-rookie-writer

I should be posting up another drawing challenge - even though I know no one's going to see it anyway which makes it even better. But I won't and maybe if I do, it will not be any time soon. Today, I'm gonna have my congratulatory post on how I finished my story that I was planning to finish by the end of
November.

I did it and felt very relieved. It wasn't satisfying how the end had become. Yes, the U-Bomb moment is so very cute. My readers like it and so do I. But I left them hanging. Do Hara end up with Jaehyo or Kyung? And what happened next to the EunCo couple? They did have a happy ending but that's not my style. No one deserve a happy ending without heavy-problems-that-could-tarnish-the-relationship-and-make-it-so-klise-yet-it-won't-because-that's-not-how-i-do-things. There are a lot more events that is going to happen but I had to cut it short because if I don't, the readers will be spending their time waiting for a story that will never get updated for a year.

There I go turning my congratulation post into a sad-weeping-rookie-writer that isn't satisfied with her story's ending.

Yes, I deserve that slap.

Well anyway, I'm going to do a sequel to that because good happy ending without bla bla bla.... ain't me. I'm a pain in the arse. I know. 

Drawing Challenge: Day 7

Mah favourite word~~~~ ehmmmm.... this is hard. I use a lot of words everyday, if you haven't noticed. And thinking back what word I always like ALWAYS say is hard. There's so much word, so many memories, so little brain capacity. And as I grunted in agony, anger and frustration I said that word, "What duh fak." Just like Mozart's little light bulb twinkle when he gets an idea for his next great concerto, mine shine like it never did. This is it, I said to myself. DUH WORD.

I draw a meme! Wow! I know! No, I drew this because I think this explains the use of the word to me very nicely. Not that obscene meaning of fuck or the middle-finger. Just an expression I use when in joy, in rage, in grief, in all different way I can feel of. 

Please, I'm not that rude.